Monday, March 14, 2016

Why am I so scared?

Accomplishing the goals you set for yourself is always challenging but accomplishing the goals you are not sure how to set for yourself if a special type of torture. It has been months since I have written a new post, mostly because I am lacking in momentum and motivation. As a New Year's Resolution, I set the goal to accomplish all the things I have been putting off. This included going to get a new license, updating my bank account, making the craft project I bought the materials for 3 years ago, things like this. One of the big things I have been putting off is a career decision. It is looming over me like a dark cloud threatening to open up and soak me to the bone.

This weekend while taking a night walk with my significant other, we had a conversation about this topic. A couple we know who was getting married called off their wedding. When I asked if everything was alright he responded by saying "he was everything she wanted on paper but she didn't love him." This simple statement made my mind run away with me. I started wondering what I looked like on paper. I began to get the feeling I looked like a liability. Comparing myself and my career to my boyfriend's made me feel inferior, especially financially. I asked him if it bothered him where I worked and what I was doing with my life. His response was not what I expected. He said he doesn't think about the financial aspect, but worries about my lack of career path and how it affects me. 

At another point this weekend we were talking about risk taking. I am a perfectionist and get very upset when I do things incorrectly. I am not conceded when I say I rarely mess up, so in those moments when I do I take it very hard. I am always scared to take a risk in case I fail. I even thought maybe if I did take more risks and experienced failure more often, I might handle it better. After these two completely separate conversations, I realize I am not taking risks. I am complacent because I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there and not be wanted, to try my hardest and not make it, to try something new and regret the decisions. I feel like my entire life has been a long string of playing it safe. Accepting all struggle because it could be worse. I know I have the desire to do more and better but I am so scared to just let go and try. Taking the leap is always the hardest, I know that. I also know that I have always landed on my feet. I suppose I am just worried for the time when I do not land on my feet. When I fall and scrap my knees and have to pick myself back up bruised and bleeding, only to push ahead injured and disheartened. 

The decision has to be made. I have to try. I have to put myself out there. I have to make snap decisions or try something new or push myself farther than I ever have before. I want to make myself proud. I do not want to feel like a liability. I want to stand with my head high and feel the strength through my actions and accomplishments. I want to be the person everyone else apparently sees that I am, but I have been too scared to see. You can only regret the decisions you decided not to make right? Well, here is to making decisions and not regretting.