Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Picking Yourself Up Again

I don't know about you all, but I am tired of picking myself back up after something negatively impacts my day to day functions. I am guilty of being too emotional. I am also guilty of caring too much, taking things too personal, worrying, and having too much hubris. Accepting my character flaws is the first step to change but I have to say, this road is bumpy. Today is an example of all these aspects colliding.

The company I work for is currently in a state of restructuring. They have started reworking departments and creating new goals. Right before they started doing this a position opened up in Marketing that my Supervisor suggested I apply for. I had not had any particular interest in Marketing until this position fell into my lap. After reading the job description I realized this was the path I wanted to follow for my career. I quickly applied and sat impatient for about a week, hoping to hear something from the lead of the department. To my dismay, a freeze was put on hiring during the restructuring process and the position I was so eager for disappeared. That was the moment when I knew something needed to change in my career. With that opportunity disappearing right before my eyes it made me understand the importance of working hard and creating goals for myself. I was really disappointed but filled with motivation which has fueled me until this point.

My current work environment has been in flux for a little over three weeks. My Supervisor accepted a new position in a different department of the company. A Coworker was promoted to fill her position which has caused some shifts in coverage. In response to these changes, my daily workload has grown however, I often work on different projects for people on the side. Today, my new Supervisor asked me into her office. Someone put in their two weeks for a department that works close to ours and is looking for someone to either pick up the position or be a temporary fix until they can figure out what to do next. She wanted to recommend me to fill the position for a temporary fix while still covering my current specialized duties. I knew nothing about the position but said I was interested and would like to hear about it from the manager. Sometimes all we need is a new project to help with perspective, this could be great. I started getting excited about it. I was also really glad that my new supervisor recognized my worth and skill sets. The reassurance that I would not be starting from scratch trying to prove myself to someone new was relieving.

My entire world shattered about an hour later when I could hear the voices of the Project Manager, my Supervisor, and another Coworker discussing the opening position and how she would be interested in learning the job. My desk is right outside my Supervisor's office and the door was not closed. The Project Manager walked in on her and my coworker discussing other things when he started discussing the position and it seemed a more suitable fit for my Coworker. However, I did not know this was not planned. We also did not know it would be a better fit for her when it was offered to me. At the time, all I knew was I was offered another opportunity and yet again it was taken from me, this time within ear shot. All at once I was filled with confusion, anger, sadness, and disappointment. I was not attached to a job I knew nothing about, it was the "slap in the face" feeling of hearing it being given to someone else. Hearing the praise she was given by my Supervisor I thought I had earned by getting offered the opportunity. Automatically tears welled up in my eyes. I fell down into my own mind and could think of nothing but how I am not worthy, how I will not go anywhere, that nothing is ever going to work in my favor. All the negativity I have been trying to lock away swallowed my thoughts and poisoned my brain.

Like I said before, I have faults. I know this was not a shot at me but I still took it personal. I started crying and being down on myself when there was no reason to. The angry selfish part of me could only think I deserved this job more. Having my own little pity party was not acceptable. I went and told my supervisor I could hear their conversation, if anything to let her know to close the door. Also that it hurt me very badly to sit and hear what was happening with no control over anything. The fact that I went to talk to her at all, tears included, shows how much I have grown. The old me would never confront someone about my feelings. I would work through them, holding onto them inside until I fell apart later. This opportunity was not something on my radar, it was not something that greatly interested me. Not getting this does nothing but help my work load, since this would have been more than we anticipated. I know I have worth, that I work hard, that when the time is right everything will fall into place. I still want to try to go back to school and I still want to be able to assist in projects with the Marketing department. Those may not have been possible had I taken this new job. In the face of absolute disappointment we have to remember who we are, what goals we have, and what we are looking toward. 

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